How to Slowly Kill Yourself

In case you are just a reader and not a friend (actually, not sure if I have any friends left after all these years) you are probably not familiar with all the details of my life. Don’t worry, you don’t have to be well versed into the intricacies of my life in order to follow this blog. As a matter of fact, I somehow find it highly improbable that you could follow this blog in the first place.

But I digress. I have made a recent change in my life. Well, that’s not exactly true. The soon to be X wife decided to make MANY recent changes in my life when she left me. Let’s just leave it at that for now. I’m almost CERTAIN this will not be the last time she appears in this blog.

Mmmm…that got me to thinking….I like to keep my anonymity and I’m sure she would also. I picked out a nick for me, maniacalramblings, I think it would only be fair to pick out a nick for her. So here’s your challenge, my faithful readers (as if there were any), we need to come up with a cool nick for my x-wife. Send me your ideas (maniacalramblings@yahoo.com) and I’ll post what her new name will be at some point in the future.

ANYWAY, I digress again. One of these recent changes is a move from the Houston area, to Abilene and now to Midland, TX. When I arrived in Midland I decided I needed to see a doctor and get a full physical. Now, I know what you’re wondering, “why a full physical?” You have to understand, I’m of the male variety of our fair species. If you’ve ever known a male, you will know that we are allergic to doctors. We refuse to go to doctors. We believe if we just don’t know we have cancer, everything will be ok.

But I have kids to take care of and heart disease runs in my family…blah…blah…blah (that’s all I caught from the speech my mother was giving me…..I’m sure it went on from there but I just heard Charlie Brown’s teacher after a certain point).

Now I know why I never went to doctors….they are only out there to kill you! It’s true! My doctor has me committing slow suicide! I’ll explain in a bit.

But I figured I needed to document this fact so that when I die, my kids will have proof that it was the doctor who killed me and they can sue the doctor and live in the lap of luxury they so richly deserve! So I’m leaving it up to you, my faithful readers (both of you) to make sure this reaches the proper authorities in the event of my untimely demise!

You may wonder, how is your doctor trying to kill you? To wonder so would be wise on your part. So allow me to explain….

The first thing my doctor told me to do was to start getting some exercise! Can you believe the utter disdain and nerve of this man? I told him my fingers are in better shape now than they’ve ever been in all my life!

You may be thinking to yourself (provide your own echo) “exercise is good!” But you’d be wrong. See, I have a theory…..

I figure your heart is only going to beat so many times during your life. Right? So this doctor wants me to go out there and start running? We all know what happens when you run, your heart starts beating faster! The more I run, the faster my heart beats! Every beat it beats it’s one less it’s going to beat! YES! YOU SEE IT NOW! I CAN SEE THE RECOGNITION IN YOUR FACE! I’M JUST TAKING DAYS OFF MY LIFE EVERY STEP I TAKE! The doctor is trying to kill me, he’s just doing it slowly so he can get away with it! (how did you like THAT hanging participle Cindy?)

Pardon me for the personal reference in that last paragraph but I was dared to include her in my blog J

Another thing the doctor is doing to kill me slowly is he’s taking me off the so-called “fatty foods”. I find this to be a current misnomer in our culture as well.

What do you do when you want your car to be well lubricated? You don’t want your piston to weld itself to the cylinder wall after all! You add what? OIL! It lubricates. I do pretty much the same thing.

When you change your wheel bearings, when you pack an axle, what do you add? GREASE! Why? Because you want it well lubricated. I do pretty much the same thing.

See, I figure I need my blood flowing smoothly through my veins. I figure the best way to accomplish this is to lubricate my veins. Makes sense doesn’t it? How do you lubricate your veins? Bacon GREASE, gravy, hamburgers, all that stuff with grease in it is probably good for you but the doctor won’t tell you that because he’s trying to kill you slowly!

NOT ME! I’m not going to let him do it to me!

You make your own choice. If you want to die a slow and painful death. If you want to commit suicide slowly at the hands of your doctor then so be it. But as for me, I’m going to do the best thing for my body and sit on my fat butt and keep that heart rate down! And just to make sure I keep that blood flowing smoothly, I’m now going to eat another piece of bacon!

I’ll probably live to be at least 100!