I'm King of the World!!!

I know this is my third article today! I'm sorry, I got a lot of sleep last night so I am a bit restless today and was confronted with a choice: A. get some work done or B. goof off on the computer. Obviously I chose choice B.

Oh...and for some reason this stupid blog part leaves off ' and stuff all the time. And ...'s make words come together so please forgive me for the typo's. I try to find them all but miss one sometimes. But it's not me, it's this stupid note pad they use!

But I was thinking about my previous article on my home for lunch. I was thinking about my new found power here at work and what it would be like to be elected King of the World. As it currently stands I have been unable to find the registration form for said position of King of the World and I'm not sure when those elections are even held.

So I decided to focus on the next most powerful office, the Presidency of the United States. What would I say for my inaugural address? What would define my Presidency, nay, my legacy? What would be my agenda for the United States for the next four years?

Here's what I came up with. Please feel free to post a comment letting us all know what you would do if YOU were elected President of the United States.

*Hail to the Chief plays in the background as I walk toward the podium waving to everyone pointing to a few like I know them well. A thumbs up to someone in the audience. I laugh at someone as if I just heard a silent joke.*

*tap on microphone. Feed back.*

*blow in microphone. Feed back.*

Hello! Is this thing on? Can you hear me in the back?

*listens to hidden receiver in ear*

What? Really? Live? The entire US? Oh, my bad!

My fellow Americans, the next four years we will begin a legacy together as we embark on the future of our great nation. Unlike any President hereto for, I will abide by all the campaign promises I made prior to this election.

*wait for applause to subside*

My first

*wait for applause to subside*

My first order

*wait for applause to subside*

Ahem. My first order of business as promised during my campaign will be to reinstate the policy and shackling the town baboon to oak shackles in a bending over position so that the entire country can come by and kick them in the seat of their pants.

*wait for applause to subside*

The following is a list of those who are not exempt from this policy: My opponent, Hillary Clinton. Thats it. All other Americans are hereby exempt from this policy.

*wait for applause to subside*

Thank you.

*wait for applause to subside*

I will also immediately enact what I will call, "Annoyance bans" across this great country. Anyone caught playing with their ring tones on any public transportation will be quickly dragged into the streets and beaten with their own shoe then buried beneath a pile of garbage. After 3 weeks you will be dug up and shot in the knees. Further, I will mandate that all cell phones only have the vibrate function enabled to avoid further annoyance.

*wait for applause to subside*

Taking my new policy of annoyance bans even further all people who speak with a lisp will be granted their own island to live on and we shall call it, "Lispawania." Further, all people who whistle when they speak will be banned to another island and I dont care where, just away from us!

*wait for applause to subside*

Our countries "annoyance ban" will also allow us to hand out free belts to all American teenagers so we no longer have to look at their underwear. Any teenager caught not wearing a belt will be issued one whereby he will be quickly hanged by his just issued belt.

*wait for applause to subside*

As you know national security is of the utmost importance to the United States and pledge to continue the fight to keep America safe!

*wait for applause to subside*

For that reason, our military will not rest, it will not tire, it will not stop until the U.S.S. Enterprise is hunted down and destroyed! Our country will never be safe as long as that vessel is allowed to continue roaming throughout our galaxy! All captains logs will be destroyed! As long as that ship exist we will continue to have new Star Trek shows and conventions, and consequently continue to produce a nation of wussy nerds with no life!

In a further attempt to combat nerdery, we will seek out every dungeon and kill all the dragons. While we're at it we will find the elves and ritualistically torture them to find out the secret of their immortality. When said secret has been procured I will sell it on E-Bay to the highest bidder.

*wait for applause to subside*

Also, as promised, Paris Hilton is no longer allowed to make music, do television commercials, attend parties, drink, shop...you know what? Let's just have her arrested now and put into the dungeon in the basement of the white house!

*listens in ear piece again*

Theres not? Oh.

We will also build a dungeon in the basement of the White House to house Paris Hilton and NO she can no longer have her own personal Gilligan or side-kick of any variety.

*wait for applause to subside*

And WAY too many people have lived in the White House before me. It's cold, it's musty, and is falling apart. I want me a place built just like Brad Pitt has!

Going a step further we will no longer allow any orange tans, any platinum blondes, or even any purple-haired grandmothers!

*wait for applause to subside*

Thank you.

One of the greatest tragedies this country has faced and one of the greatest disappointments of the previous administration is the tragic loss of American lives. The search planes are in the air as I speak mounting the largest search party ever formed and they will not turn back until EVERY *pounding podium* AMERICAN LOST ON THAT ISLAND IS FOUND AND BROUGHT HOME!!! Its not right that we watch them every Wednesday evening! We can not allow our fellow Americans to be stranded on that Island any longer! Their very lives are in danger! I'm afraid the fat guy could start eating them any day now!

*wait for applause to subside*

Considering the great resources we are expending to rescue the cast of Lost you need to know, our boys in Iraq and Afghanistan or already on their way home!

Currently we are in the process of selling beach front property in Saudi Arabia since both those countries are now in the ocean.

Iran, you are next and immediately after, North Korea.

And while we have the birds in the air we will make our own country an island and will be blowing away Mexico to take care of our illegal immigration problem and Canada, well, just because I'm president and I can!

And France, you'd better be careful. I'm watching you!

*wait for applause to subside*

Thank you again for electing me YOUR president! If you have a complaint, be sure to see my new chief complaint officer and he will quickly help you to "see things" more clearly.

Thank you, and God bless America!

*shots ring out*

Oh...ugh...gasp...gurgle...whats that bright light? I know that hot chick on Ghost Whisperer would tell me to go to the light...I can see....wheez

I Love My Job!!!

It's true! I know it's not American or even popular to admit that I love my job but I just can't help it, I truly do.

The American way seems to be to get up in the morning, put that face on that suggest you have been road hard and put up wet, grab your cup of morning Joe on the way to the office, walk in with head down, grumbling all the way to your desk making sure you never make eye contact with anyone and watch the clock until 5:00 finally rolls around. THEN put a smile on your face, wish everyone a great evening as they finally leave the grind and forced labor they've been enduring for 8 hours only to repeat tomorrow.

Now, did that just sound like your day? Did that just make you hate your job even more? That, my friend, is the way most people view their jobs. They enjoy the weekend but begin to agonize starting around 6:00 Sunday evening because you realize that tomorrow is coming! Only a few hours left until you have the face the dungeon of your reality. The pit that is - the job. (Insert your own dramatic music here).

Before I tell you why I love my job so much you first must grasp a little about my personality (in case you haven't grasped it by reading my blog articles).

The ADHD thing you are already aware of, I've not hidden that from anyone. It's posted all over myspace, in my blog, and I tell anyone who ask. Im relatively certain that had Mr. Webster been alive today, I would have already had my picture inserted next to AHDH in his famous dictionary of English words.

But I also have other, um, issues that you may or may not be aware of.

I like to see people scared. Its true! I love watching horror movies not because they scare me, I find them humorous. I watch them because I love watching you jump out of your seat every time something frightens you. I find that extremely funny! Yes, I was the bratty little boy who put the fake spider in your seats ladies. I was the annoying jerk who would sneak up behind you and scream just to see you jump. If you were one of those little girls I do apologize for my actions. I've since learned to control myself.

Not only do I enjoy seeing people scared but even better is to see people paranoid! (I know, I know, these two things are similar but they are not identical so keep your opinions to yourself!)

As much as I enjoy paying someone back for something mean they have done to me, I much rather enjoy the anticipation they feel knowing it is coming! Knowing that pay-day is someday and not knowing exactly when that day will come.

I love to watch them watching me to see if today is the day because then you can play with them! You can sneak up on them and just say, "Hello" real quietly and it STILL gives them a reaction. Yeah, paranoid is a nice emotion to watch people endure.

By now I'm sure you are wondering what in the world does this have to do with my job. I can see your point. Let me get back on task. In case I have not informed you, I have ADHD (uh, please read 6 paragraphs above in case you missed it the first time) and tend to ramble while trying to make a point. So I often say:

But I digress...

One of the functions I have in my job as...um...not sure what my official title is actually. I THINK it is, "head geek computer guru set up my email dork" but Im not 100% certain on that. It would not fit on a business card anyway.

But again, I digress (told you I said that a lot)...

One of my functions here at the great company I work for is...I manage their network. "SO WHAT" is the lone, singular thought running through your head right now. I realize this. Please allow me to explain.

If you read my previous post, "What About Bob" you will know the VP who hired me was fired (probably not related but I am not sure). One of the reasons, I believe, is that he was visiting some, uh, questionable web-sites while at work.

Surely you can see how this is a problem! We can NOT have VP's or anyone else visiting questionable web-sites while at work! So we discussed blocking sites so no one in the office could visit them. But that also blocks some sites you may need to view (yeah, I'm the who countered with this argument).

So my suggestion was, to send a company wide e-mail that stated, "We are logging all internet activity so please use discretion in the sites you visit." The thought being, now everyone knows Im watching and they will be careful so as not to get caught.

This suddenly gave me an over-whelming since of power that I've not experienced before!

The very next day a lady comes into my office and shuts the door. She tells me, "I was on the internet but was only on food.com (believe me, I believed her if you know what I mean) and I saw a little red eye in the menu. Were you watching me and am I going to get in trouble?"

Now, being someone who is also a control freak by the way and likes to mess with people for no other reason than to mess with them, I answered her thusly, "It is very possible our server has logged your activity. I will not be certain until checking that log this evening. Is there anything you would like to tell me before I view the log? It would be better if you told me instead of me finding out."

OH you should have seen her face! Believe me, we were not watching her, but she doesnt know that!

Then this morning I decided I needed a bit more job security so I crashed the server without warning anyone. I snuck back into my office without anyone seeing me and listened as the entire top floor of the great Citibank building erupted because no one could check their e-mail!

The receptionist rings my line and informs me of the alarms going off in the server room and the server was down! The panic in her voice excited me, I must admit. I asked her, "What did you do? What have you done?" "Nothing!" she assured me, "It just happened when I hit reply and that was it!" I said, "Tell me you did NOT hit reply to all!!!" She wasn't sure.

I run down the hall to the server room and quickly "fix" the server. I was the hero! If given the opportunity I'm certain they would have carried me around on their shoulders for saving the day! As it is, they just got me a cheesecake but I think the cheesecake will look better around my gut so it's all good.

So I have decided, for job security reasons, I am going to crash the server at least once a month just so they know I'm needed.

And, to make sure everyone in the office knows how valuable I am to this organization, I will go to the server room and turn off someone's computer for no apparent reason. Then, when called, I will play around in the control panel, right-clicking on every possible button and text all the while muttering, "oh, this is not good, not good at all." When I leave, they will be miraculously "cured" of all their computer problems and I will get another cheesecake.

And to add to their paranoia, I plan to net send to them from the computer room things like, "you shouldnt have said that to your girlfriend. That wasnt nice" or "nice tie; could you turn toward the plant a little more so I can see it better?"

Oh yeah. I love my job. I will be getting cheesecakes for saving the day and cheesecakes to keep my mouth shut for things I never truly saw!

Oh yeah, I love my job. But I'm sure I'll weigh 400 pounds in no time at all! But do you know what? You don't have to be in shape to be a, "head geek computer guru set up my email dork" so I'm ok with a few extra pounds.

I'm Officially Old

As you know, I celebrated...no...that's the wrong word. I didn't actually celebrate turning 38. How could one celebrate such a devastating thing? No, I commemorated the 38th anniversary of my birth. Yeah, commemorated is a much better word.

So I commemorated my 38th anniversary of birth last week and many of you have asked me, what's it like being old? or something to that effect. I then realized that many of the people I chat with and who read my blog are much younger than I am. So I thought I'd pass on some wisdom to my younger readers. Some signs they can begin to watch for so they will realize when they themselves are starting to turn old. Consider it grandfatherly advice.

Now that I'm 38 things have started to change dramatically! I noticed these changes taking place almost over-night!

For instance, I wanted to go to lunch the other day and found myself drawn to the Lubys Cafeteria. I've never wanted to eat in there before! But I just couldn't bring myself to enter that establishment just yet. So I went to Furrs Cafeteria instead. When I got there I noticed everyone had gray (or grey if you live in England) hair! I thought I was the youngest person in there! Oh...but wait...I also have gray/grey hair and its spreading!

Speaking of hair...

I've noticed now that I'm getting older, I'm not really loosing any hair. Sure, its getting thinner on the top of my head but it's not really leaving. It's just moving south. Hair must be like old people in general. I've noticed that when people get old they move south to Florida. My hair has pretty much moved to Florida. It now grows out my ears, my nose, on my back and all kinds of disgusting places!

Speaking of eating at cafeterias...

I've also suddenly noticed that I like to eat dinner around 5:30 with all the other old people. I don't know why. Perhaps its because I need to be in bed by 10:00 or so and I used to stay up later. Mmm...I've also noticed that when I have my kids with me, they stay up later than I do now. These are all pretty bad signs of my impending demise

And dont get me started on women!

Things have really changed in that area as well (ok...keep it clean!).

Used to be, girls would flirt with me at the office. Now, they confide in me looking for advice on dating etc. The sad reality is, they see me as harmless now. Hey! I'm not harmless and never will be! (thank you Pfizer!).

But I figure, when you get older you no longer have to worry about avoiding temptation, it begins to avoid you!

As a matter of fact, getting older means when confronted with two temptations, you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

Yeah, getting old is not a lot of fun.

I guess I owe it to you to pass on some wisdom about the health ramifications of getting older as well.

If you've read my previous articles you know I was violated by my doctor not long ago and had a full physical. Let me tell you the rest of that story

After the test results came back he called me and said, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first? Of course, that's impossible for me to decide! Who wants to hear bad news? So I don't want to hear that first! That would mean I was looking forward to bad news!

But, then... if I chose the good news first, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it because I would know the hammer was about to drop and that good news would be crushed by the impending bad news! So I couldn't choose good news first because, well, I just wouldn't enjoy hearing it!

You can see my dilemma so I just told him to surprise me. He said, "Well, the good news is, you're not a hypochondriac."

That WAS good news! If you read my post before you realize my phobiaphobia and how I have a fear of having a phobia. So this certainly came as a relief!

Turns out the bad news is he wanted to put me on a diet. Not for weight as much as for heart. I won't get into all the details of that diet with you because I would bore you even more than I currently am. Let's just summarize the diet for you very simply, IF IT TASTE GOOD...HURRY UP AND SPIT IT OUT! IT WILL KILL YOU!

Sigh...yeah...Im old.

I just moved to Midland not that long ago and had to fill out a change of address form. I figured to make things easier I'd just use the hospitals address. It's much shorter this way. I get my mail faster.

Most of the people in my address book are already doctors. The pharmacy knows my prescription by heart. When I walk in its like a re-run of "Cheers" but instead its DAVE! (oops...now you know my real name).

There are so many changes that happen when you get old. So many changes indeed.

I find myself getting out of bed at 5:30 on Saturday morning and enjoy mowing the lawn! I like garden sheds and never did before!

When I mow the lawn I do so with black socks pulled up to my knees with a straw hat covering my head and a wife beater t-shirt upon my torso!

Dont judge me for this but Ive started keeping old liquorish in a bowl next to my couch. Yes, I said couch. I don't have a recliner to fall asleep in yet but have suddenly developed an urge to go buy one.

Do you know what's sad? I dont even care what car I drive as long as it gets good gas mileage!

I could go on forever because there are so many changes that have taken place in my life since turning old last week. But I'm sure you're bored of this topic already so I'm going to close with another remarkable thing I've noticed. One final thought. Something you can judge yourself by. If you have this symptom, you are getting old!

I no longer laugh when someone farts.

I know. I know. Its sad.

What I Just Hate!!!

I'm generally a very likeable sorta guy. You can ask anyone and they will disagree (yeah...that's right...I said disagree). No really I am. I don't get angry easy. As a matter of fact, my X always accused me of letting people run all over me. I figure it's just because she was the polar opposite. She didn't take nuttin from nobody! Now, my new friend Eric, if he's reading this, may disagree with me about me letting people run all over me. We had an incident once at youth camp (yeah...I know...one time...at youth camp...go ahead...I know you want to do it!) that was funny now that I look back on it. But, in my defense, I was sleepy! Im too old to go to youth camp obviously!

But even though I love everyone and get along with just about everyone. Even though I try to see the best in everyone and can put up with just about anything. Even though I see beauty in everything, there is still some things that I just hate! One of those came up in an email tonight and got me to thinking so I thought I'd share that one thing with you but in all fairness to you my readers, I thought I'd make a longer list. After all, what fun would it be for me if I didnt ramble a bit? Thats right. No fun at all! Of course, that's my plan. It does not mean that it is exactly what Im gonna do. Im just gonna start typing and let's see where this messed up mind of mine takes us. Shall we? So now I take you inside the mind of a 38 (sigh...still hurts to type those two numbers side by side) year old man with ADHD. Hang on. The ride may get a little bumpy.

Since joining this site I enjoy the opportunity to meet new people. But I can't stand that initial "contact" you make with them. Can you? I find someone with an interesting profile, someone I'd like to talk to, and I hit the "send message" button. Now, you have to understand, I'm not one of those guys who will type an introductory letter and then copy and paste to a ton of people every night. I mean, that just wouldn't be fair would it? That would almost be like cheating from the very beginning of a rel...WHOA!!! HOLD ON! I nearly said the "R" word! WHEW! Im glad I caught myself! Not looking for a relationship right now! Can't believe I almost said that! Glad I caught myself in the nick of time!

But I still think that I owe it to whomever I contact to write a thoughtful, kind, and personal letter to each and every one of them!

This presents itself with a number of problems! The panic when I hit that "send message" button and that plain white piece of paper appears on my computer monitor starts my heart on a rapid race that is bound to lead me to the edge of passing out.

I hate white paper! It just bothers me! I cant stand to see a pristine unblemished piece of paper with nothing on it! It rubs my very being; it goes against who I am. The mind of a maniac wants to fill that page with all sorts of letters, numbers, dotsexclamation points, and well, honestly, a bunch of nonsense.

I stare at that paper until the maniac inside me begins to boil and starts screaming out from deep within my being, "I can't stand the white page! I HATE WHITE!!!! ANYTHING BUT WHITE PAPER!!! PUT SOMETHING ON THERE!!!!"

My heart beats faster and faster. But what do I say?

Aaawww...there's the rub. What to say indeed.

So, I pretty much do what I do when I write one of my blog articles. I turn my brain off (which is not that difficult to do as you can imagine) and just start typing whatever nonsense pops into my head.

Anything but the white because white's bad. White needs some rambling placed somewhere, everywhere up on it.

I've always been like that as I'm sure some of you have. Have you ever walked by a freshly poured concrete pad. You can hear it can't you? Calling your name. YES! That's what would make that perfectly smooth and level concrete look better, my name scratched forever somewhere in that concrete. Even after the pain of the spanking has years subsided, your name still lives in that concrete slab.


But the pressure, oh the pressure of every time I hit that "send message" button is getting to be too much for me.

Now you know why...If you came to my blog after reading an e-mail from me, now you know why that first e-mail was so, well, weird, different, insane...yes...insane.

But rest assured. You received an e-mail like no one else has received. I wrote it especially for you, as crazy as it was!

No autographs please.

The Problem with Addiction

I have started bloggin on myspace.com/maniacalramblings from now on but thought I'd post my last few on here that I've done in case you haven't been going to myspace to view my blog.

Addiction is a very difficult thing to break. If youve ever known someone who was an addict you will have to agree. And there are so many things out there to be addicted to! Rush Limbaugh was addicted to pain killers and Ive known others with this same addiction. Illegal drugs like cocaine, heroine, and X have brought down more than their fair share of celebrities (thank you Nick Nolte for the lovely photo.

Now, I know what youre thinking, addiction is a very serious topic and I said in an earlier post that Im not going to get into serious topics.

I think you will have to agree, addiction is indeed so very serious that it deserves our attention in at least one post of mine! We owe it to the world to discuss such issues! So please pardon me for one post to my blog about addiction.

The reason addiction is so very close to my heart and on my mind right now is because...well....theres no easy way to say this......Im an addict.

Its true. Ive done a fairly good job to this point of hiding it from those who love me. This was actually pretty easy since there is, at the moment, nobody who loves me. Perhaps that fact alone is what drove me to my addiction.

What am I addicted to? Thats obviously whats going through everyones mind right now so Ill tell you for no other reason than to feed your curiosity.

Im addicted to myspace. There. I said it. Its out there and I cant take it back (well, actually I COULD take it backI could just delete it but Im not going to do so. I need to face my addiction! That is the first step in any 12 step program).

Since I have not found a 12 step program in my area for myspaceaholics, I have not moved on to step 2 and started taking responsibility for my addiction. I still blame others. Well, not really othersjust one person in particular because its all HER fault! Kacky77 turned me onto myspace a few days ago. So if theres anyone to blame, surely it must be her! Please find her on here (http://www.myspace.com/kacky77 to make it easier for you in case you're not a computer geek and didn't figure out I linked her name above) and send her a condemning message of your utter disdain for what shes driven me to! Thank you.

There are many problems with addiction and Id like to address those issues now.

Addicts neglect what was previously important to them.
Tis true. Addicts neglect their jobs, those that love them, their hobbies, and pretty much anything to stands in the way of feeding their addiction.

Funny thing is, I really didnt have much of a life to destroy when I began my addiction so you cant see that much of difference in my life. So I think Im ok with this point.

Addicts will do anything to feed their addiction.
And I have to admit, Im guilty of feeding my addiction when I should be doing other things. I spend night times reading other peoples spaces when I should be sleeping or chatting with someone on line. I sat in front of the computer just about all weekend doing the same when I should have been out working on more important things like getting a nice EVEN tan!

Addiction takes a physical toll on a person.
And Ive already seen that taking place in my life! Alcoholics end up with liver problems when they are older and many other health concerns. Rush Limbaugh is fat so I figure thats the prescription pain killers he was shoving down his throat.

Myspaceaholics have even worse issues they have to contend with. Ive already noticed the beginnings of carpal tunnel syndrome in my wrist and fingers! Sure, it may not leaving me in the gutter passed out in my own vomit and urine but its still just as ugly! How am I supposed to shake hands later in life when my hands and fingers are so grotesquely warped? Its a shame really.

So, as I work through my addiction, I would appreciate all of your support.

Currently Im thinking the best way to work through my addiction is to gorge myself on my addiction. So thats the plan for the next few weeks. So now you know why you probably wont be hearing from me for awhile. HEY! Dont blame meI need to in order to survive this thing!

Now, back to pointing and clicking.

I think Ill be ok. With time.

"What To Do Before Dying..."

Considering my recent brush with death it will not surprise you that it got me to thinking of my own mortality. That is, after all, our natural response as humans when we look the angel of death eye to eye and feel his cold grip upon our shoulder beckoning us to the great beyond.

Now you may be thinking that an exploding hot sauce packet does not truly count as a near-death experience but I beg to differ! I saw my life flash before my eyes and what I saw was, well, boring.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some great experiences in my life and some wonderful stories have developed from those experiences. Who else do you know that has been chased out of the Gora Gora Crater in Tanzania Africa by the Mossai tribe? Probably no one (oh…evidently…even though there are no signs posted….you are not allowed to get OUT of your vehicle while looking at the lions….they really should post a sign or something!).

What I did realize with my life flashing before my eyes is there is so much I’d like to do before departing this world for the life that awaits me. You’ve heard it said, “you only go around once” and I’ve found this to be true. So, I decided to make a list of all the things I’d like to do before dying and thought I’d share it with you all so you could keep me honest and make sure I stick to my list! Thanks for your support.

After giving this much thought, for most of the day actually, here is the list of things I’d like to do before dying:

1. Write a list of things to do before dying. Now, I’m pretty sure I can keep this one since I’m doing that already. I mean, what kind of life would I had led had I never even made such a list? But you have to understand, this goes against the grain of my very being. I am a very competitive person and HATE failure. For that reason I developed a strong sense of shooting for nothing a long time ago. And you know what? I hit it every time. But I think I can do this one. (actually, since I’ve already started, I’m going to go ahead and check this one off my list).

2. READ the list of things to do before dying. What good is such a list if you simply write it and then forget about it? I don’t want to be one of “those” people. So I figure to cover my bases I need to add reading the list to my list. (you know, I’m reading this as I type so I can go ahead and check this one off my list also).

3. DO one of the items on my list of things to do before dying. Actually, I’ve already done two of the things on my list of things to do before dying so I guess I’ve done this one too! Well, then I guess I’ve done all three of the things on my list of things to do before dying so I’m batting .1000 so far! Awesome! I don’t know why I didn’t make this list a long time ago!

4. TELL someone about my list of things to do before dying and what I’ve accomplished on said list to this point in my life. Well, I guess all of you reading this list could be considered told about the list and I have kept you up to speed on what I’ve accomplished so far so I’ve done this item as well.

5. DO everything on my list of things to do before dying…uh…before dying. It seems I’ve done everything on my list of things to do before dying to this point so I guess I’ve done this one as well! AWESOME!

There. That’s my list. And apparently, without even realizing it, I have accomplished everything in this life I set out to do. The sense of accomplishment is so over-whelming right now you can’t imagine. But with that, also comes a great sense of despair because, what else is there for me now? I’ve already done everything I could ever imagine doing.

I highly recommend you try this exercise. It makes you realize you’re not worthless at all! You can do anything you set your mind to do!

I did!

"For Our Troops..."

Typically I write one article a day, at best. Even more typical I may go a few days without saying a word. Well, that’s not true. I still talk all the time but I just don’t stop to put down some rambling thoughts for you all to read.

I still find it amazing that people come to my blog and care to read my thoughts. Because most of my thoughts don’t even make sense! I still don’t know which is worse, me thinking these things or you taking the time out of your busy schedules to read these things. It doesn’t speak highly of you!

I’m pretty sure Psychologist will one day soon ask you as a screening question if you read my blog. If you do, it would help him diagnose your many mental short-comings.

But I digress…

Something happened to me that I wanted to share with you. And then, it occurred to me how I can help our men and women over seas fighting the good fight.

As you know, I live in Texas. What you may NOT be aware of is that Texas is known for more than what you’re thinking it is known for. We have more than long horns, Dallas Cowboys, and oil wells here! We also have an abundance of Mexican food!

I have yet to figure out if that’s because Texans love to eat Mexican food or if it’s because we have so many Mexicans in Texas. Are we just trying to cater to our Mexican immigrants? I mean, if all us Americans decided to move to Mexico, would there suddenly spring up a huge outcrop of Pizza joints? Wait…that’s Italian. Ok, a huge outcrop of American food? Whatever that would be. I don’t know. But I know I’m not starting a movement to move there to find out!

But again, I digress…

The other morning found me at the drive thru of one of my favorite Mexican restaurant chains, “Jumburrito.” Yeah, go ahead, I realize we aren’t all that creative in how we name our Mexican Restaurants here in Texas. But when you have 5 million different chains, the names tend to start running out.

Jumburrito is best known in the Midland area because they win the hot sauce contest every year that the local paper puts on. At least, that’s what I’ve been told. Regardless, they do make a pretty good hot sauce! So good, in fact, I got some extra of both their green and red sauce to take home for later!

Now skip ahead a few days. Hot sauce is on my desk next to my computer. I look at them….. “mmmmm…”, I think, “Those little buckets of hot sauce are starting to look a bit swollen.” Then I let that thought slip from my mind as I continue what I was doing which is goofing around on the computer.

Which is really strange since I now WORK all day on the computer. You’d think I’d have enough of it after doing it laboriously all day long! BUT NO! I come and call it relaxation. Do you think coal miners come home after a hard days work and go in their back yard and dig around for relaxation? I doubt it. Do you think the sewage treatment plant worker comes home and plays with the refuse in his toilet to relax? I somehow doubt it. So why do I come home and get on the computer to relax…I’m thinking this needs some serious consideration on my part.

But, yet again, I digress…

So I’m typing away on the computer, I’m on the phone.

“BOOM!” an explotion goes off next to me! I feel the wet warmth running down my arm! The sudden explosion was so unexpected it startled me greatly. In the matter of a few milliseconds I did my best Carl Lewis long jump impersonation, grabbed my face where I was certain my blood was the wet warmth I felt streaming down my cheek, and pounded my chest to get my heart beating again.

I was certain I had been mortally wounded with a shot to the head! HA! The joke was on the drive by shooter! There’s nothing in my head to harm! No danger of loosing my life with a shot to the head!

Or was it a drive by shooter at all? Maybe is that crazy neighbor lady who likes to peer in on me as I type away. I’m pretty sure she works at the Post Office and you KNOW how those people can get! Where do you think we came up with the term, “going postal?”

You can imagine how I chuckled dryly when I realized I was the victim of a vicious hot sauce explosion. Who knew? I certainly didn’t. Apparently, you can’t leave hot sauce out of the fridge for too long. It expands and explodes!

So here’s my brilliant plan.

Our brave men and women are fighting for us in Iraq. Many of these are same men and women are wounded by road side bombs. So here’s my campaign I’m beginning today (yeah…I’m forgetting about the camels and starting a new campaign….have I mentioned I have ADHD?)…

Let’s all buy all the Jumburitto hot sauce we can, ship it over to Iraq. Our troops can then place these hot sauce containers around their vehicles, in the hot Iraqi sun. It shouldn’t take too long until they spontaniously combust and explode! I can think of no greater weapon of mass destruction!

Come on! Let’s do it for our troops!

You with me!

Oh. And if you do go to Jumburitto and buy hot sauce….leave your air conditioner running and send it in a refrigerated truck. We wouldn’t want it exploding on our postal workers now would we? Who knows…it could be my neighbor.

"Window Gazing..."

I’m sitting here in my office, high atop the Citibank building in downtown Midland. I have a wonderful view, I’ll have to post a picture of it for you all some time.

So, I’m sitting here with nothing very important to do today so I decided to enjoy the wonderful view that is the West side of Midland.

Now, I’d like to enjoy the wonderful view of the North, South and East as well, but my windows face to the West so I’m forced to continually look at the same things day in and day out (I’ve only been here 3 days now so I’m sure it will get old later).

I notice I can see the drive in movie theater from here. That got me to thinking, mmm..if I worked nights, I could watch a movie. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to hear anything and probably couldn’t read lips from this distance. Those screens are probably 5 miles from me as the crow flies.

Speaking (well…really typing) of crows flying. As I was staring out the window I noticed a bird fly by my window. We are 15 stories up! So I start thinking, “so this is the bird’s eye view I’ve heard so much about! Not bad!”

But then I realized, we are really high! If I fell from this distance, I’d be sure to be just a large puddle of fat, bones, and more fat on the sidewalk below!

So that got me to wondering, can birds develop a fear of heights? Dogs can, I used to have one like that. So if other animals can have a fear of heights, why not birds? And if a bird develops a fear of heights, what’s he do to get around? Walk everywhere? Pigeons do a lot of walking. I’m thinking they have a small fear of heights. They’d probably be the first bird to go crazy with fear.

Or would it be the road runner? He IS a road runner after all, not some kind of bird with a cool name like Falcon or something that sounds like a high flyer. Perhaps the road runner has a fear of heights. Mmm….could be…could be.

While I’m on the subject, do you think spiders can ever develop arachnophobia? Can you imagine a spider being afraid of spiders? Your baby kid spiders come up to hug you goodnight, you run in terror. Life would be very lonely for a spider with arachnophobia…I’m pretty sure of that!

And, in the worst cases, a spider with arachnophobia would be scared of himself as well! What would that be called? A fear of one’s self? Egophobia? Not sure. But, since I live in Texas and George Bush has shown you all how we Texans like to make up words, I now have officially created the term and syndrome of Egophobia.

Please use the term 3 times today in ordinary conversation. Let’s see if we can’t get it to catch on!

Like many of you, I'm sure, I DID have Agoreaphobia in 2000. In case you don't know what that is, "A" stands for Al. So, like you, I had a fear that Al Gore would be elected president of the United States. WOW that was a close one to getting realized! SInce he didn't, I hug a tree daily now in his honor.

I have none of those other phobias. Thought I should tell you all that. I only have one phobia, and that’s the fear of phobias. I call it, phobiaphobia. I have a nasty case of it too!

Actually, a fear of phobias, or, phobiaphobia if you will, has been present a long time. It's not original with me. Don't believe me?

Franklin D. Roosevelt had it I think. Remember? He said, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." SEE! I'm not the first to have phobiaphobia. He had it too!

That’s it for now. I’ve got some more staring to do out my window….

"What About Bob..."

Most of you know already that I started a new job on Monday. Well, actually, it’s more than a new job, it’s a new career. Not going to get into why I had to do that in this post….perhaps some other time.

But let me tell you about Bob! That’s what this post is about.

What about Bob?

Bob was the Vice President that hired me for my current position. He seemed like a very nice man and he liked the work I’ve done that I showed him. We chatted on my initial visit and it turns out, we had a great deal in common. Yes, he’d been married once before and gone through a divorce.

Here’s where Bob’s story and mine take diverging trails. Bob’s X-wife turned out to be a lesbian.

Now, that’s one thing my X is not, a lesbian. I can’t imagine how that must destroy a man’s ego to know he turned a woman gay.

Not that I’m complaining because I too am a lesbian but I’m trapped in a man’s body. (that was a joke in case you missed it or are blonde).

So Bob and I talk on Wednesday, then Bob calls me back to come in on Thursday and is all excited I’m going to start working with him. I ask him, “Bob, who will I be working directly under?” Bob says, “Well, me of course.”

I’m comfortable with that and I figure he is too, after all, he’d been married to a lesbian so he should feel comfortable working with one trapped in a man’s body.

I left and Bob tells me, “I’ll see you Monday!”

I show up Monday morning and good old Bob has my office all set up for me. 15 stories up with a nice view of Midland’s West side. He has my computer all set up but when I try to get on it, I find he’s put a password on there. So I figure I’ll just wait for him to get in.

In comes another VP. He ask if I’m getting anything done. I tell him about the password and inform him that I’m waiting for Bob to get there so he can tell me what it is. VP man tells me, “Well, Bob’s not going to be coming in.” “Oh?” says I, “Is Bob off today?” VP man informs me, “Uh…no…Bob was terminated on Saturday.

Now, I don’t known how many new jobs you’ve started in your life. Personally, I’ve not started that many. I’ve always stayed where I was for long periods of time. So I didn’t have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. But in my gut I felt this is not a good turn of events!

Sure enough, in comes the owner/president (Gary for those of you keeping score at home). Gary tells me, “Sorry we had to fire Bob (just as matter of fact as that) but it doesn’t effect your job any. Well, in a way it does because we don’t know who you’re going to be working under and exactly what Bob was going to have you do.”

Seeing the open door I answer, “Well, Bob said something about getting that corner office and a new plasma tv. I think he wanted me doing research on the internet and television all day.” Gary didn’t buy it either.

So they stick me with Jack, yet another VP. But he’s the CFO (Chief financial officer for all you blondes). If you know someone with ADHD, you know they don’t make very good accountants because our attention to detail is…shall we say….lacking! Me and pencil pushing accountants don’t get along all that well.

So I tell Jack, you just leave me in my office and I’ll work on your web page. And that’s what I’ve done for the past 2 days.

Well, that’s not completely true. I also chat on line, I stare out my window, and I talk on my cell phone while browsing the internet, trying to look busy! Believe me, it’s the hardest job I’ve ever had! All my other jobs, I really was busy! Do you have any idea how hard it is to NOT be busy yet appear to be? Dang difficult!

So, if you want to see what I’ve done the last two days, you can see my handy-work at http://www.reimid.com

Oh…and I haven’t decorated my office. I figure there will be less for me to have to carry out in a box later when they realize they don’t need me.

Now, let’s all bow our heads for a moment of silence for poor old Bob. (while you’re bowing your heads, I’m going to Bob’s office and see if I can’t scavenge that nice monitor, HIS Plasma Television, and a few other items. I think Bob would have wanted me to)!

"Please Mark Your Calendars..."

It’s Sunday afternoon and I don’t have much to do so I decided I needed to do the world a great service. Well, perhaps not the world, but at least a service to all you my faithful readers (that’s right…both of you).

Certain dates in history have gone down as memorable and have been celebrated, mourned, or remembered each year those dates pass.

For example, who of us can ever forget the date: December 7, 1941? Of course we all know that as the day when Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese which vaulted the U.S. into the Second World War. You may also recall that President Roosevelt spoke to the nation and in his speech he said, “December 7, 1941 is a date that will go down in infamy…” Even then they realized that particular date was going to be remembered for generations.

On the same theme, who can forget June 6, 1944? Everyone instantly recalls that date as the date when the Allied forces landed on the beaches of Normandy (France for all those who didn’t pay attention in either History class or Geography) and took the fight to the Germans! The Allied forces lost many brave men that day and June 6 is still remembered as, “D-Day”.

Other dates we remember because of great national tragedy. April 14, 1865 is the date that President Lincoln was shot at Ford’s Theater. November 22, 1963 was the date when President Kennedy was gunned down as his motorcade slowly snaked its way down the streets of Dallas.

Or October 24, 1929 we still remember as “Black Thursday” because of the sudden plummet our stock market took. History tells us that so many lost all their savings and means of financial support that men jumped from windows killing themselves instantly on the streets below.

Most of the dates I listed above are dates of sorrow. But I want you to mark on your calendar a date of great rejoicing and celebration for the world!

Take your pen and mark the date, June 22, 1968 (not that the year matters, but thought you’d want it for perspective sake).

June 22 is a date where a great many things have taken place. Allow me to name just a few. All the following things took place on June 22.

In 1772 slavery was abolished in England. In 1775 the first Continental Congress issued its first currency ($3,000,000 in case you were curious). In 1808, Zebulon Pike reaches his peak which we now call, “Pikes Peak”.

Perhaps you remember the great San Francisco fire? That’s right…June 22, 1851.

Besides the event I will mention later, perhaps the greatest event to occur on June 22 was in 1847 when the doughnut was created! If nothing else had ever occurred on that date, we should still celebrate the day for this singular great event!

Are you a sports fan? In 1930, Lou Gehrig hits 3 home runs in a game, Babe Ruth hits 3 in doubleheader. In 1937, Joe Louis KOs James Braddock for the heavyweight boxing crown. One year later, Joe Louis KOs Max Schmeling at 2:04 of 1st round at Yankee Stadium. In 1959, the most Phillies strike out in a game (16 by Sandy Koufax).

Sports not your thing? How about music? In 1961 on June 22, the Beatles record Aint She Sweet, Cry for a Shadow, When the Saints Go Marching In, Why, Nobody's Child & My Bonnie, in Hamburg.

But, alas, June 22 will also be remembered for yet another sad event. On that date in 1990, Florida passes a law banning “thongs” on public beaches.

But a history lesson is not the purpose of this post. The reason for this post is to tell you of a great even that occurred on that date, and that is the birth of someone considered by some (not many) to be a great person!

Many great people were born on June 22. Here is a brief list:

1903 Carl Hubbell pitcher (NY Giants)-253 wins, 2.97 lifetime ERA
1903 John Dillinger one of America's Most Wanted

1920 Paul Frees Chicago Ill, animation voice (Bullwinkle)

1922 Bill Blass Ft Wayne Ind, fashion designer (Nancy Reagan)
1928 Orson Bean Burlington Vt, comedian (I Got a Secret, To Tell the Truth)

1933 Dianne Feinstein (Mayor-D-SF)
1936 Kris Kristofferson singer/actor (Amerika, Millenium)
1941 Ed Bradley Phila, CBS news correspondant (60 Minutes)

1947 David L Lander Bkln NY, actor (Squiggy-Laverne & Shirley)
1947 Don Henley drummer/singer (Eagles, Boys of Summer)

1948 "Pistol" Pete Maravich NBA star (Atlanta Hawks)

1949 Lindsay Wagner LA Ca, actress (Bionic Woman, Paper Chase, Nighthawks)
1949 Meryl Streep NJ, actress (French Lieutenant's Woman, Sophie's Choice)

All of these people were born on June 22. But again, none of these are the person to which I referred. No, perhaps the greatest event to take place on June 22 took place in 1968 when a young Virginia gave birth to her newborn son and called his name, “David”.

That’s right, yours truly was born on June 22, 1968!

Have you marked your calendar yet?

It occurred to me (a lot has occurred to me in this single post I just noticed) that many of you would like to purchase me a gift! And why shouldn’t you? And some (names omitted to protect the innocent) have even asked what I’d like. So following are some gift giving ideas for you. If you purchase one of these gifts, please let me know so I can update our readership so I don’t receive two of the same item. You can imagine the embarrassment!

The greatest gift I could receive, at the moment, would be a 2006 Harley “Fat Boy” which you can either purchase from your local Harley dealership or by going to http://www.harley.com. Of course, I’ll need some extra chrome options, saddle bags, and a few other “perks” that I will send to you if you’re interested. Not to worry, even though this is number 1 on my list, it’s relatively cheap at a mere $27,000.00 or so depending on what extra’s you’re wanting to spring for.

Second to the Harley would be a Ferrari FXX. A super mean and sleek Ferrari if I do say so myself. Now, this is a bit more pricey but I’m sure if you all went in together, price would be no obstacle. I believe it to be a bargain at $665,000.00 don’t you? And yes, that’s American dollars not Euro’s so no worries!

Third, if you can’t afford the Harley or the Ferrari, would be the new 2006 Shelby Mustang GT-500. It packs an incredible powerful 550 horses under it’s sleek body. I couldn’t find a price for this vehicle as it’s not on the market yet but I would imagine it will be around $50,000.00. But worth every penny.

You may have noticed, all things on my wish list are vehicles. That just didn’t seem right. So, considering my passion for golf, I thought I’d throw in a package of golf for you. And it’s very reasonable too!

Round trip ticket to St. Andrews, the birth place of golf, to play on the “Old Course” in Scotland. But I will also require a set of Mizuno irons (I will give you the specifics when you call) an new Nike Ignite driver, an Odyssey putter, 3 wedges (not wedgies) and a Taylor Made 3 wood. That package will only run you around $8,000.00 By far the best bargain on my list!

I’m glad I could help you with these gift giving ideas. I can’t wait until June 22 (one more time in case you’ve yet to mark your calendar) to drive my new Ferrari or Harley depending on the weather to play golf with my new golf clubs! Won’t that be a grand day?

If you can’t afford any of these gifts, eat a doughnut on the 22nd and think of me! Actually, you will probably think of me every time you eat a doughnut from this point forward!

But don’t blame me when you get fat!