I'm Officially Old

As you know, I celebrated...no...that's the wrong word. I didn't actually celebrate turning 38. How could one celebrate such a devastating thing? No, I commemorated the 38th anniversary of my birth. Yeah, commemorated is a much better word.

So I commemorated my 38th anniversary of birth last week and many of you have asked me, what's it like being old? or something to that effect. I then realized that many of the people I chat with and who read my blog are much younger than I am. So I thought I'd pass on some wisdom to my younger readers. Some signs they can begin to watch for so they will realize when they themselves are starting to turn old. Consider it grandfatherly advice.

Now that I'm 38 things have started to change dramatically! I noticed these changes taking place almost over-night!

For instance, I wanted to go to lunch the other day and found myself drawn to the Lubys Cafeteria. I've never wanted to eat in there before! But I just couldn't bring myself to enter that establishment just yet. So I went to Furrs Cafeteria instead. When I got there I noticed everyone had gray (or grey if you live in England) hair! I thought I was the youngest person in there! Oh...but wait...I also have gray/grey hair and its spreading!

Speaking of hair...

I've noticed now that I'm getting older, I'm not really loosing any hair. Sure, its getting thinner on the top of my head but it's not really leaving. It's just moving south. Hair must be like old people in general. I've noticed that when people get old they move south to Florida. My hair has pretty much moved to Florida. It now grows out my ears, my nose, on my back and all kinds of disgusting places!

Speaking of eating at cafeterias...

I've also suddenly noticed that I like to eat dinner around 5:30 with all the other old people. I don't know why. Perhaps its because I need to be in bed by 10:00 or so and I used to stay up later. Mmm...I've also noticed that when I have my kids with me, they stay up later than I do now. These are all pretty bad signs of my impending demise

And dont get me started on women!

Things have really changed in that area as well (ok...keep it clean!).

Used to be, girls would flirt with me at the office. Now, they confide in me looking for advice on dating etc. The sad reality is, they see me as harmless now. Hey! I'm not harmless and never will be! (thank you Pfizer!).

But I figure, when you get older you no longer have to worry about avoiding temptation, it begins to avoid you!

As a matter of fact, getting older means when confronted with two temptations, you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

Yeah, getting old is not a lot of fun.

I guess I owe it to you to pass on some wisdom about the health ramifications of getting older as well.

If you've read my previous articles you know I was violated by my doctor not long ago and had a full physical. Let me tell you the rest of that story

After the test results came back he called me and said, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first? Of course, that's impossible for me to decide! Who wants to hear bad news? So I don't want to hear that first! That would mean I was looking forward to bad news!

But, then... if I chose the good news first, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it because I would know the hammer was about to drop and that good news would be crushed by the impending bad news! So I couldn't choose good news first because, well, I just wouldn't enjoy hearing it!

You can see my dilemma so I just told him to surprise me. He said, "Well, the good news is, you're not a hypochondriac."

That WAS good news! If you read my post before you realize my phobiaphobia and how I have a fear of having a phobia. So this certainly came as a relief!

Turns out the bad news is he wanted to put me on a diet. Not for weight as much as for heart. I won't get into all the details of that diet with you because I would bore you even more than I currently am. Let's just summarize the diet for you very simply, IF IT TASTE GOOD...HURRY UP AND SPIT IT OUT! IT WILL KILL YOU!

Sigh...yeah...Im old.

I just moved to Midland not that long ago and had to fill out a change of address form. I figured to make things easier I'd just use the hospitals address. It's much shorter this way. I get my mail faster.

Most of the people in my address book are already doctors. The pharmacy knows my prescription by heart. When I walk in its like a re-run of "Cheers" but instead its DAVE! (oops...now you know my real name).

There are so many changes that happen when you get old. So many changes indeed.

I find myself getting out of bed at 5:30 on Saturday morning and enjoy mowing the lawn! I like garden sheds and never did before!

When I mow the lawn I do so with black socks pulled up to my knees with a straw hat covering my head and a wife beater t-shirt upon my torso!

Dont judge me for this but Ive started keeping old liquorish in a bowl next to my couch. Yes, I said couch. I don't have a recliner to fall asleep in yet but have suddenly developed an urge to go buy one.

Do you know what's sad? I dont even care what car I drive as long as it gets good gas mileage!

I could go on forever because there are so many changes that have taken place in my life since turning old last week. But I'm sure you're bored of this topic already so I'm going to close with another remarkable thing I've noticed. One final thought. Something you can judge yourself by. If you have this symptom, you are getting old!

I no longer laugh when someone farts.

I know. I know. Its sad.