I'm King of the World!!!

I know this is my third article today! I'm sorry, I got a lot of sleep last night so I am a bit restless today and was confronted with a choice: A. get some work done or B. goof off on the computer. Obviously I chose choice B.

Oh...and for some reason this stupid blog part leaves off ' and stuff all the time. And ...'s make words come together so please forgive me for the typo's. I try to find them all but miss one sometimes. But it's not me, it's this stupid note pad they use!

But I was thinking about my previous article on my home for lunch. I was thinking about my new found power here at work and what it would be like to be elected King of the World. As it currently stands I have been unable to find the registration form for said position of King of the World and I'm not sure when those elections are even held.

So I decided to focus on the next most powerful office, the Presidency of the United States. What would I say for my inaugural address? What would define my Presidency, nay, my legacy? What would be my agenda for the United States for the next four years?

Here's what I came up with. Please feel free to post a comment letting us all know what you would do if YOU were elected President of the United States.

*Hail to the Chief plays in the background as I walk toward the podium waving to everyone pointing to a few like I know them well. A thumbs up to someone in the audience. I laugh at someone as if I just heard a silent joke.*

*tap on microphone. Feed back.*

*blow in microphone. Feed back.*

Hello! Is this thing on? Can you hear me in the back?

*listens to hidden receiver in ear*

What? Really? Live? The entire US? Oh, my bad!

My fellow Americans, the next four years we will begin a legacy together as we embark on the future of our great nation. Unlike any President hereto for, I will abide by all the campaign promises I made prior to this election.

*wait for applause to subside*

My first

*wait for applause to subside*

My first order

*wait for applause to subside*

Ahem. My first order of business as promised during my campaign will be to reinstate the policy and shackling the town baboon to oak shackles in a bending over position so that the entire country can come by and kick them in the seat of their pants.

*wait for applause to subside*

The following is a list of those who are not exempt from this policy: My opponent, Hillary Clinton. Thats it. All other Americans are hereby exempt from this policy.

*wait for applause to subside*

Thank you.

*wait for applause to subside*

I will also immediately enact what I will call, "Annoyance bans" across this great country. Anyone caught playing with their ring tones on any public transportation will be quickly dragged into the streets and beaten with their own shoe then buried beneath a pile of garbage. After 3 weeks you will be dug up and shot in the knees. Further, I will mandate that all cell phones only have the vibrate function enabled to avoid further annoyance.

*wait for applause to subside*

Taking my new policy of annoyance bans even further all people who speak with a lisp will be granted their own island to live on and we shall call it, "Lispawania." Further, all people who whistle when they speak will be banned to another island and I dont care where, just away from us!

*wait for applause to subside*

Our countries "annoyance ban" will also allow us to hand out free belts to all American teenagers so we no longer have to look at their underwear. Any teenager caught not wearing a belt will be issued one whereby he will be quickly hanged by his just issued belt.

*wait for applause to subside*

As you know national security is of the utmost importance to the United States and pledge to continue the fight to keep America safe!

*wait for applause to subside*

For that reason, our military will not rest, it will not tire, it will not stop until the U.S.S. Enterprise is hunted down and destroyed! Our country will never be safe as long as that vessel is allowed to continue roaming throughout our galaxy! All captains logs will be destroyed! As long as that ship exist we will continue to have new Star Trek shows and conventions, and consequently continue to produce a nation of wussy nerds with no life!

In a further attempt to combat nerdery, we will seek out every dungeon and kill all the dragons. While we're at it we will find the elves and ritualistically torture them to find out the secret of their immortality. When said secret has been procured I will sell it on E-Bay to the highest bidder.

*wait for applause to subside*

Also, as promised, Paris Hilton is no longer allowed to make music, do television commercials, attend parties, drink, shop...you know what? Let's just have her arrested now and put into the dungeon in the basement of the white house!

*listens in ear piece again*

Theres not? Oh.

We will also build a dungeon in the basement of the White House to house Paris Hilton and NO she can no longer have her own personal Gilligan or side-kick of any variety.

*wait for applause to subside*

And WAY too many people have lived in the White House before me. It's cold, it's musty, and is falling apart. I want me a place built just like Brad Pitt has!

Going a step further we will no longer allow any orange tans, any platinum blondes, or even any purple-haired grandmothers!

*wait for applause to subside*

Thank you.

One of the greatest tragedies this country has faced and one of the greatest disappointments of the previous administration is the tragic loss of American lives. The search planes are in the air as I speak mounting the largest search party ever formed and they will not turn back until EVERY *pounding podium* AMERICAN LOST ON THAT ISLAND IS FOUND AND BROUGHT HOME!!! Its not right that we watch them every Wednesday evening! We can not allow our fellow Americans to be stranded on that Island any longer! Their very lives are in danger! I'm afraid the fat guy could start eating them any day now!

*wait for applause to subside*

Considering the great resources we are expending to rescue the cast of Lost you need to know, our boys in Iraq and Afghanistan or already on their way home!

Currently we are in the process of selling beach front property in Saudi Arabia since both those countries are now in the ocean.

Iran, you are next and immediately after, North Korea.

And while we have the birds in the air we will make our own country an island and will be blowing away Mexico to take care of our illegal immigration problem and Canada, well, just because I'm president and I can!

And France, you'd better be careful. I'm watching you!

*wait for applause to subside*

Thank you again for electing me YOUR president! If you have a complaint, be sure to see my new chief complaint officer and he will quickly help you to "see things" more clearly.

Thank you, and God bless America!

*shots ring out*

Oh...ugh...gasp...gurgle...whats that bright light? I know that hot chick on Ghost Whisperer would tell me to go to the light...I can see....wheez